Thursday 31 January 2019


#my2019

Be kind, always
Especially to myself
Think well of others,
until they failed me repeatedly
(more than 3 times).
If so, swiftly remove myself
from that toxic relationship
Value others based on
their actions towards me
and not what they say
they are going to do for/with me

People who said
they have gone through similar shit as me,
don't necessarily came
to the same conclusions as I did
Sometimes they are still assholes
Let them figure things out themselves
They need to go through it themselves
so that they can grow
Don't rob them from their experience

When others ask me
for my opinions or support,
Tell them my opinion gently
Like I am preparing them
for an #itoldyouso moment in the future
but never exercise those moments
#iamnotheretojudge

Take time to plan
Some plans are black and white,
some have grey areas
If it's black and white,
and I don't feel like doing it,
#doitanyways

Prioritize.
Stripped down to the basics.
Basics needs.
Shelter. Food. Clean water.

Ask for help, even though it is hard
How am I going to live and love
when I am barely alive?

Friday 18 January 2019

Last Note

I am sorry I have been such a downer today
I am sorry that I still have a bad bone in my body when my survival instinct kicks in
I am sorry I have been a burden these past few months
I am sorry that I am not taking care of my adik-adik like I promised myself to
I am sorry that you guys have to take care of them now
I am sorry if I have not been appreciative enough
I am sorry I had dragged you guys in my problems
I am sorry that I lied and say I was feeling okay when I wasn't
I am sorry for demanding your time and attention
I am sorry that I have sometimes put unfair expectations on you guys
I am sorry that I let petty things affect me too much
I am sorry I have such potential but a let down nowadays
I am sorry for not trying harder sooner
I am sorry that I even thought of ending my life a couple of times
I am sorry that I have mentioned it to you guys a couple of times
I am sorry I can't function on my own
I am sorry that I don't know what to do now
I am sorry that I don't feel I am strong enough now
I am sorry for thinking of giving up
I am sorry I can't do it more

Know that I always love you guys
I don't mean to hurt you guys
I don't mean to abandon you guys
And I can't thank you guys enough for all the love and support that you had given me
I don't know what I did to deserve all of that
I am sorry

IdaXu
January 17th, 2019