Sunday, 10 September 2017

To the next girl

I have a gut feeling. So I am writing this down.
I am writing this in hopes the next girl reads this.
Yes, I was stupid for loving too hard.
Yes I hope you are smarter than me. Yes, you are smarter than me.
He ended a 6 year relationship with another girl, then we started seeing each other.
He said he couldn't be himself with her that's why he ended things.
He owed her around MYR2k, I think.
Yes, he did pay her off eventually when we were together.

We were together for 8+ years.
He was talking about quitting his job and I asked about his savings. He just smiled.
When he quits, his words were some where along the lines of
"Rasa dunia ni kelabu. Sekarang dah clear dah"
That is the day I somehow have another mouth to feed besides my cats.

I have watched enough Judge Judy to know that food, clothes, groceries and small items bought in a relationship are considered us playing house and being in a relationship. I have no right to claim them when the relationship ended.
I paid for everything 90% of the time. When he has jamming sessions or shows, guess who pays for the petrol and had to drive around?
Yes, stupid me. Who took out a personal loan and maxed out her credit card to maintain our lifestyle. Yes, stupid me.
Stupid, I know. I consider myself lucky as my family have enough and he's not so much so I didn't mind. Now I consider it as a service payment for him keeping up with my antics. And for those who says that my mental illness means I am crazy, you had come to a conclusion that "Patut la dia dump Ida tu, Ida tu gila rupanya" when he did dumped me. So no point of arguing there. You win.

In 2011, I started this 555 Microsoft Excel sheet to record all the money he borrowed from me. I will email this sheet every 3 months or so to remind him to pay me back. He never did. Even when he gets his ASB and payments for sessioning and shows. Even when I begged him to pay just a little amount. This is for duit makan and belanja when he had tours, his ASB, his WiFi I have paid the registration for and he promised that he will keep up with the monthly payments. He did for a month. The rest I had to pay for them. I had to make up tasks and chores for him so that I can either deduct or give him pocket money. When he comes and keep an eye on my cats when I was away, he was being paid to to that. Lol.
I stopped keeping record in 2013 because the amount was overwhelming. And I was dealing with issues of my own. Long story short, the total amounted was MYR 6,726
I later added on MYR 3,330 for the Traps drumset that was supposed to be my wedding present to him. So final amount was MYR 10,056.
Yes, you can keep saying that I'm stupid and you will never let a man play you like that. Yay, you are smarter than me. Keep being smart okay?

And I took back the desktop I bought for him. He broke his promises so I broke mine.
He said I am beautiful every single day.
He said he loves me every single day.
Every single day till the day until he dumped me. We even had dinner before he dumped me. He asked me to pick him up from work, had dinner and sent him home. And that night was the rare moments when he actually paid for his own meal😏. Such a gentleman.

So he has paid some amount. Okay la tu, at least he is paying, some of you may say. Oh well, mind you, to be kept reminded of the debt and my stupidity every month is punishment enough. I am still paying for the personal loan and will finish paying my credit end of this month. My CCRIS has already been affected. Tengah nak cantik kan semula. Huhu. And fyi, I could pay all my debt if he pays me all he owes me now. But I am not holding my breath for that. I know he won't even if he can.

Oh when he dumped me, he told his friend that
"Rasa dunia ni kelabu. Sekarang dah clear dah"
Sounds familiar? Lol.

He may have changed. He promised to pay me MYR 200 per month. He had paid MYR 200 for a few months and he had paid MYR 100, MYR 150 and MYR 100 this last 3 months. I just don't want you to be his kelabuness. Why I am writing this? I am being kinder to myself. At the risk of people calling me stupid, naive and him not paying me anymore.

Saya, Siti Zuridah binti Mohd Rais tidak menghalalkan hutang kepada Ibrahim bin Mohd Kamarudin sebanyak MYR 8,906 selagi dia tidak membayarnya.

“Jiwa seseorang mukmin itu tergantung dengan sebab hutangnya hinggalah dijelaskan”
[Diriwayatkan oleh Tarmizi, Ibn Majah, Ahmad dan Hahim dari Abu Hurairah]