No. Just No.

No. Never looking back again
Never again
But in the corner of my eye
I see your reflection on my rear view mirror
I felt a slight tug in my chest

No. It is no longer a stabbing pain like it was
Like a thousand nails
Forcing their way out of my heart

Holding my hand over my chest
Letting go a sigh of relief
Thank you for saying no
Thank you for letting me go

Driving forward slowly
No. I don't know what is there in the future for me
But I am sure I don't want to be
That person you want me to be
Or that person you think I am
When I was at my lowest
And most certainly at my weakest
No. Just no.

Wiping my dried stained cheeks
from these imaginery tears
Smiling, laughing
It's your loss that I finally had enough
It's your loss and I will make sure of it

YES. - idaXu

#poetry #love #byetinder

Call Me By My Name

by idaXu

Call me by my name
Because sometimes I feel like I am just a replacement for someone you used to love
Because sometimes I feel you just love the idea of me instead of getting to know me
Because sometimes I feel unnoticed, unloved and unappreciated

Call me by my name
Because I want you to remember how I make you feel
Because I want you to know who you are messing around with
Because I want you to wish that it is me who are with every time

Call me by my name
Because I know who I am with each time
Because I will never forget how you feel each time
Because I wish it was you everytime

Call me by my name
Not just 'Baby' or 'Honey' or 'Sayang'
Say my name again
Say it everytime .

I Am Strong, So I Cry

People kept saying I am strong
So for a long time I only cried when there was no one around

Because I thought when I cry, I am weak

There was a time I only can cry when I was in his arms
And I didn't cry when it ended
Though I felt like my life just ended

Now I just cry and cry until I feel I can't cry no more
Then I cried a little bit more

I cried so many times now
I cried everytime I am happy, sad or even when I can feel so much love from an article, or even a photo
I even cry now everytime I see cute cat rescue videos

I think I cried a lot now for everytime I needed to cry,
but I didn't think I should
I think I cried a lot now for everytime I wanted to cry,
but I couldn't
I think I cried a lot now for every pain I felt,
but I didn't

And I will keep on crying now even for the smallest joy and heartbreaks I feel
Because I am strong, I can cry
I will cry everytime I fall, and get back on my feet
Everytime

-idaXu

#my2019

Be kind, always
Especially to myself
Think well of others,
until they failed me repeatedly
(more than 3 times).
If so, swiftly remove myself
from that toxic relationship
Value others based on
their actions towards me
and not what they say
they are going to do for/with me

People who said
they have gone through similar shit as me,
don't necessarily came
to the same conclusions as I did
Sometimes they are still assholes
Let them figure things out themselves
They need to go through it themselves
so that they can grow
Don't rob them from their experience

When others ask me
for my opinions or support,
Tell them my opinion gently
Like I am preparing them
for an #itoldyouso moment in the future
but never exercise those moments
#iamnotheretojudge

Take time to plan
Some plans are black and white,
some have grey areas
If it's black and white,
and I don't feel like doing it,
#doitanyways

Prioritize.
Stripped down to the basics.
Basics needs.
Shelter. Food. Clean water.

Ask for help, even though it is hard
How am I going to live and love
when I am barely alive?

Last Note

I am sorry I have been such a downer today
I am sorry that I still have a bad bone in my body when my survival instinct kicks in
I am sorry I have been a burden these past few months
I am sorry that I am not taking care of my adik-adik like I promised myself to
I am sorry that you guys have to take care of them now
I am sorry if I have not been appreciative enough
I am sorry I had dragged you guys in my problems
I am sorry that I lied and say I was feeling okay when I wasn't
I am sorry for demanding your time and attention
I am sorry that I have sometimes put unfair expectations on you guys
I am sorry that I let petty things affect me too much
I am sorry I have such potential but a let down nowadays
I am sorry for not trying harder sooner
I am sorry that I even thought of ending my life a couple of times
I am sorry that I have mentioned it to you guys a couple of times
I am sorry I can't function on my own
I am sorry that I don't know what to do now
I am sorry that I don't feel I am strong enough now
I am sorry for thinking of giving up
I am sorry I can't do it more

Know that I always love you guys
I don't mean to hurt you guys
I don't mean to abandon you guys
And I can't thank you guys enough for all the love and support that you had given me
I don't know what I did to deserve all of that
I am sorry

IdaXu
January 17th, 2019